The Not-So-Itsy Spider (No, Not Spider-man)

CE Jenkins

         One word: Black Widow. So two words, actually.

           I’ve read mixed reactions to Scarlett Johansson’s part in Marvel’s latest orgasm of property damage, and after hours of thought-provoking research and hours of less thought-provoking tumblr, I’m ready to weigh in. The two sides of the argument, to the best of my research and exposition skills, are as follows: one camp seems to believe that Black Widow was portrayed in a tasteful, respectful, and well-developed way; the other holds that she’s the latest victim in Hollywood’s longstanding infatuation with sexism and superheroes. And then some people didn’t seem to notice she existed at all.  

           If you go through a lot of the Avengers comments, you’ll find some recurrent themes. More often than not, Black Widow’s character is mentioned in passing as a (female) master assassin; and then they go on to talk about characters that are more interesting (ie have more penis). When she is given some actual ink on the page, chances are that the majority of it will be dedicated to how hot she looks in leather. Because as soon as a woman steps onto the screen, audiences (and specifically male audiences, let’s not sugarcoat this) are conditioned to first see them in a sexual light. Decades of introducing women with slow body pan ups has helped see to that.

            Just look at this review at the New Yorker, where the critic decided that “Black Widow repels invading aliens through the sheer force of her corsetry.” Yeah, because her guns and combat training and intelligence and courage had nothing to do with it.

BITCH PLEASE

Say What? Writing Dialogue 101

CE Jenkins

Speech is what happens when two people get together and eventually feel too uncomfortable to stand around in silence. More romantically, it’s a way for people to connect and understand each other. But I’m not here to talk about conversations with real human beings; I’m here to teach you how to write fake ones. I can hardly make it through a real discussion without jumping out the window or swallowing my own tongue. I’m the kind of person who says “Good morning” at 6pm, and who makes loud, painfully unfunny jokes before laughing manically and diving into the nearest book. In general, I consider getting through any social interaction without physical harm or psychological trauma to be a raging success. I would literally chop off my own hand to provide a conversation topic if the silence goes on for too long.

Even a computer program questions my social skills.

We’ll start by tackling the snarly conundrum that is human speech by breaking it down into nice, organized, easy-to-understand categories. Haha, just kidding. We’re going to roll around in the scrambled word-discharge from my brain and hope that something sticks. Now roll, damnit! Roll!

Snow White and the Huntsman: Insert Apple Pun Here

CE Jenkins

            Snow White and the Huntsman made for a good palate cleanser between my third (and hardly final) viewing of Avengers. It had some things going for it that propelled it above the generic action/fantasy movie crowd, but its weaker elements did everything in their power to drag it back down again. Also, I’m going to be referring to it as “SWATH” from this point forward, because come on, awesome acronym much?

             SWATH was strongest when it stuck to its fairy tale roots. At times it managed to capture, or at least allude to, the eerie beauty and brutality of the old stories as imagined by the Grimm brothers. But then the characters got thrown into a bunch of fight scenes, and then Chris Hemsworth was Thor with an axe.

THERON! OPEN THE BIFROST!

5 Basic Traits Every Writer Needs

CE Jenkins

             Motivational post time! 

             It’s impossible to pin down exactly what it takes to become the next name on a Barnes & Noble bookshelf. Being good at writing isn't always one of them—wow, already my cynicism wins out. Sorry guys, I'm really not good at this whole motivation thing. Grim realities aside, there are some things that you as a person should possess in order to improve your writing. Changing every facet of your being to fit this model won't necessarily get you published, but I guarantee it won't hurt. So let the mind-molding begin!

This is Not an Avengers Review.

CE Jenkins

            I really wanted to write an Avengers review. Really. I did. But “review” implies some level of criticism, and frankly I’m so far through the biased spectrum and out the other end that any attempt at critique is pretty much hopeless. I made it as far as three thoughtful paragraphs in before devolving into the written equivalent of rolling around on the floor, curling up in a corner, and babbling manically to myself. So I said screw it and just wrote what came to mind. Proceed with caution: what follows will be an unhealthy mixture of blood, sweat, tears, and possibly saliva. 

Spoiler Free!

CRASH! BANG! POW! Pfft.

CE Jenkins

  

     Fight scenes are hard to write, and if done badly, are pretty hard to read as well. There are a lot of common pitfalls for writers to skewer themselves on, and some simple tricks that are often ignored. I don’t claim to be an expert on any kind of combat that doesn’t involve a sixer of Code Red and a high speed internet connection, but few can match my skills at nitpicking and disgruntle-ry. So here goes my list of fight tropes, good and otherwise.

Sated: Looking Back on the Hunger Games

CE Jenkins

****WARNING: Contains spoilers for the Hunger Games series. *****

As it turns out, taking a nap from 7-9pm is a terrible idea. I came to this realization at around 4:30am, after staring at the ceiling above my bed for five hours and willing myself into unconsciousness. That having failed, I settled for the next best thing other than slowing my brain’s inevitable slide into a grayish stew: reading. And that is the story on how I finished the Hunger Games trilogy.

I have to say, I profess myself disappointed. If you were to graph my enjoyment of the three books, it would look something like a skier going over a cliff. Still, in the grand scheme of things I found the series engaging and entertaining.

A New Beginning

CE Jenkins

        As one of the recent updates to the look and feel of the blog, all posts from now on will be written in Comic Sans. Enjoy!

         March has now retired, zipping into the distance like a greased baby on a slip ‘n slide. But even as we mourn March’s passing (not really, I’m sick of stepping outside dressed for polar conditions and being hit with a beam of 80 degree sunlight) we must also look the future; and all of the tasty, tasty release dates which await us there.

·         13 days until Joss Whedon’s Cabin in the Woods.

·         34 days until Avengers (KLASJ;KLJGA;LDS)

·         41 days until school is over.

·         41 days until the Fringe season finale.

·         51 days until Snow White and the Huntsman.

·         61 days until Prometheus.

·         111 days until the Dark Knight Rises.

·         257 days until the Hobbit.

·         274 days until the end of the world.

I shall sit here consumed with lust for the remainder of the evening(s). 

Whats In a Name? More Than You'd Think...

 CE Jenkins

           I suck at naming characters. Which is ironic, because I’m working on at least 2 long-term stories which will require me to come up with unique naming conventions for multiple societies, all from scratch. Yay me. But because I apparently hate myself and want to do as much work as possible, I’ve been forced to get friendly with a lot of tips and tidbits which have helped me out over the arduous process of storycrafting, and I’m going to lay ‘em down now.

Names are important. So it turns out Shakespeare didn’t know jack shit. Although names might seem like simple labels for telling people apart, they can be useful tools for establishing character on a first impression. Think about it: if you read the names “Blinnie” and “Warchester”, chances are you have two completely different mental images of them based on the sound of their name alone. This isn’t coincidental, and should be exploited to the full extent of your ability. Also I was joking about the Shakespeare thing; please don’t let his angry ghost rise up and suck my brains out through my eyeballs. I’m sure that would give good ‘ole Edgar Allen’s ghost a boner. A Poener, if you will. (And thus, the comedy on this blog stoops to a whole new low. I regret nothing.)

How CE Jenkins Became a Serial Killer

    CE Jenkins   

        So I saw the Hunger Games today. And I hated it. Hate hate hate hate HATED it.

         Not the movie itself, mind you; thoughts on that will be forthcoming soon. No, what caused me to leave the theatre so angry that I may have incinerated a twelve-year-old bystander with the sheer force of my glare was not the film; it was the other people watching it.

          Maybe I just have myself to blame. Because the theatre in town is the only one within a realistic distance for someone who lacks a car or a decent pair of hiking boots, the midnight showing was already sold out by the time I bought tickets. So, being a reasonable person, I decided that 4:00pm the next day would be just as good. My thinking was that any college students would still be in class, and with any luck it wouldn’t be as crowded. Perhaps you can see the flaw in my logic already, because although most college students would be otherwise occupied at 4:00 in the afternoon, the hordes of crayon-eating middle-schoolers released from their pens across the street would not be.

          I could see the issue almost immediately; from the moment I arrived at the theatre there was a little pack of the creatures milling around out front. It was even worse inside; I spotted only three people other than myself who were over the age of 16, and almost everyone was a girl. Not entirely surprising, really—for whatever reason, the media had started comparing the Hunger games, a young adult novel about children murdering each other for sport, with everyone’s favorite broody-vampire series—and as a result, it looked like every pubescent female within a five mile radius had piled into the theatre that day. I fought down a sense of vague foreboding, telling myself that it would be fine; Oh, past self. How naive you were.

          The whole thing was a disaster. The person in front of me kept texting every five seconds, and had their screen set to brightness levels that could have been seen from space. There was a constant murmur of talking throughout almost the entire film—a couple boys sitting a seat away from me who couldn’t have been older than first grade spent the entire movie loudly narrating to each other what had just happened. For some reason this person kept randomly shaking their popcorn tub for five minutes at a time. People were coming in and out of the theatre like it was your mom on a Friday night (You see? You see what they’ve driven me to?). Worst of all, during the [SPOILER] single extremely chaste kissing scene that same first grade boy actually yelled out “Pervert!” [END SPOILER]. So instead of spending two and a half hours watching the movie, I spent that time fantasizing about throwing children across rows of tiered theatre seating.

         Now, I don’t normally get so intense about talking/texting in a movie. Normally I can just be that person who sits there quietly imagining how great it would be to ask them to stop. And I did politely request that the person put away their phone, which they did; but like a hydra, for every texter I cut down two arose in their place. It wasn’t just one person being obnoxious, it was the majority of the audience. And what can you do about that?

          A lot of times having a lively audience can be fun; they laugh at all the jokes, cheer in the right places, and applaud their approval at the end. Seeing it with an enthusiastic crowd can help you feel more passionate about the film too. But get a bad audience, and it can be distracting to the point where you can't even enjoy what you're seeing. It was impossible to get into the movie when I was too busy seething with rage over the people whose sole reason for being there seemed to be vocally mocking all the dramatic parts. Now, I love me a good vocal mocking, but honestly people? Just do it in the comfort of your own home, where there are no unstable film fanatics sitting two rows down to quietly plot your demise.

Or in the future, not so quietly.

    

Dr. Pepper 10: It's Not For Anyone

CE Jenkins

             

             Apparently Dr. Pepper has returned to their age-old marketing strategy of doing everything in their power to make me hate their soda. I admit I'm already biased: it tastes like cough syrup, is in cunningly disguised packaging that is easily mistaken for Coke, and… yeah, that's pretty much it. But now the top creative minds at Dr. P have taken it to a whole new level with the return of an advertisement that was offensive the first time around— if not to my feminist values than at least to my intelligence.

Here is said ad:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3iuG1OpnHP8

                        US Population: 51% female.

                        Dr Pepper: “It’s not for women!”

              I can only infer that the conversation that took place at Dr Pepper headquarters when the idea for this commercial was pitched when something like this:

                         [DP’s Ad Department]: Hey guys, here’s an idea! Let’s alienate over half                          of our potential consumer base!

                         [DP’s Voice of Reason]: …Or we could… not?

                         [DP’s Ad Department]: …Get the fuck out of here.

                         

                         Exit DP's Voice of Reason.    

               I’m not a business major, but I’m going to go ahead and say that when you’re paying money to make people not want to buy your product, it’s less than a good thing. Let's take a quick look at why.

               Firstly, at the movie portrayed: I am certifiably a woman, and that movie looks fantastic. I mean, come on? Lasers, jumping off cliffs, punching animatronic snakes in the face? Who wouldn’t want to watch that twice? Yet Dr Pepper is telling me that it’s not okay, because it’s a guy thing and I’ll pollute it with my girly-ness. And I don’t know about anyone else, but I don’t appreciate being told what I can and cannot do by a sleazy GI Joe impersonator, OR the soda company he represents.

                Not only is the ad sexist against women, it manages the impressive feat of being sexist against EVERYONE. Hear that, people of the male persuasion? It implies that if you aren’t running around a jungle and spilling half a can of soda on your crotch while riding in a bumpy off-road vehicle, you are not a MANLY man.

                 And I could have just rolled my eyes and laughed this off as merely a terrible marketing strategy, until vice-president of Dr. Pepper Jim Trebilcock did the one thing I hate most: claimed that it was a joke. It’s the perfect defense: You can say whatever the fuck you want, and anyone who speaks up about it is just a debby downer without a sense of humor. But newsflash, buddy: if people don’t “get the joke”, it’s a failing on your behalf, not your audience. So, say, if people interpret your Dr. Pepper ad as a sexist slander on both fronts, it’s probably not because literally everyone else is dumber than you are. Especially if you’re Jim Trebilcock.

                  Not to mention the fact that their facebook app bans anyone with a female profile page from entering. That’s good marketing, right? Also, one of the games on the app literally involves SHOOTING everything that has to do with women: last time I checked, encouraging femicide was not cool. Hold on, let me look again; yep, still not cool.

                 Then again, I’m just a dumb broad with an internet connection raining on their manly, manly parade. 

Next time leave gender commentary in the media to those who can pull it off.

References:

Old Spice Guy

US Census

Jim Trebilcock lives up to his name 

Write By Number

CE Jenkins

          Yes, the title is a pun. I regret nothing.

          Seriously though, I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have an iPod. How did I make an entrance before I could push both double-doors open at the same time with the Lord of the Rings soundtrack playing in the background? Those were dark times. I will admit, I am a music buff in the same way that Gaston was a fine arts buff—anything with a catchy beat is fair game. And some haters might criticize for all the terrible music I listen to, but I’m afraid I can’t hear them over the Prince of Egypt soundtrack blasting in my ears.

          In some ways, writing with music in the background can be a good way to get into the writerly mood. On the other hand, listening to the wrong music for a scene can stop up the tubes faster than a family fourthmeal at Taco Bell. Katy Perry does very little for dramatic deathbed speeches. Trust me on this.

          Other times it’s nice to write in silence, but speaking from the POV of a college student living in a dorm where one false move could punch a hole through the paper screens they call walls, that’s not always an option. Not to mention the fact that sometimes I can’t hear my own thoughts over the sound of my other thoughts talking too loud. For those cases I find throwing on a pair of noise-cancelling headphones and cranking up the tunes is a workable solution.

          So, with that in mind, here are some songs that I personally enjoy listening to while writing certain moods or scenes. Lots of them are from movie soundtracks, which I find especially useful since they often don’t have vocals and instead focus entirely on the feeling of the scene; as a result, in this case I chose songs based on their general sound as opposed to their lyrics.

            Keep in mind that these are my personal picks, and not an objective list. You may like some of them, you may hate all of them; just give a few a listen to see what you think, and hopefully you’ll find something useful. This list is subject to change; if you have your own song to recommend, leave it in the comments and I’ll check it out.

           Action

Good for writing fights, chases, high energy stuff.

·         A.R. Rahman & MIA, O…Saya: link

·         Audioslave, Gasoline: link

·         Joan Jett, Bad Reputation: link

·         Chemical Brothers, Escape 700: link

·         Florence + the Machine, Heartlines: link

·         Deadmau5, Ghosts N Stuff (ft Rob Swire): link

o   Extended Cut: link

·         Lady Gaga, Judas: link

·         Scott Pilgrim vs the World, Threshold: link

·         Metallica, For Whom the Bell Tolls: link

·         Restruct, Change: link

·         The White Stripes, Seven Nation Army (Glitch Mob Remix): link

·         Daft Punk, Derezzed: link

                  Driven

For intense scenes with a slightly slower pace.

·         AWOLNation, Sail: link

·         Florence + the Machine, the Dogs Days Are Over: link.

·         Oh Land, Sun of a Gun: link

·         Johnny Hollow, This Hollow World: link

·         Loreena Mckennitt, Kecharitomene: link

·         Muse, Undisclosed Desires: link

·         Vanessa Carlton, Dark Carnival: link

·         Frou Frou, Holding Out for a Hero: link

·         Birthday Massacre, Pins and Needles: link

·         Bear Mccreary, All Along the Watchtower: link

·         Eminem, Lose Yourself: link

                 Triumphant

Scenes that are generally upbeat, but sometimes with a darker undertone. Yes, I know that description makes no sense. Words are hard.

·         Hugo, 99 Problems: link

·         Per Qualche Dollaro in Più: link

·         How to Train Your Dragon, New Tail: link

·         Johnny Clegg, Brave New World: link

·         MIA, Paper Plaines: link

·         MGMT, Kids: link

·         Muse, Feeling Good: link

·         Jesca Hoop, Tulip: link

·         Jonsi, Sticks & Stones: link

·         Brother Bear, Transformation: link

                Brooding

Songs with a medium pace and a more minor key.

·         Loreena Mckennit, Mystic’s Dream: link

·         Imogen Heap, Canvas: link

·         Shiny Toy Guns, Cold War: link

·         Emiliana Torrini, Gollum’s Song: link

·         The Gravel Road: link

·         Lisbeth Scott, Where: link

·         District 9: link

·         Mountains of Thunder: link

                Romantic

It's like viagra for the written word!

·         Beyonce, Halo: link

·         The Beatles, Hello Goodbye: link

·         Queen, Somebody to Love: link

·         Barry Manilow, Can’t Smile Without You: link

·         The Cranberries, Dreams: link

·         Jason Mraz, Plain Jane: link

·         American Mouth, Flightless Bird: link

·         James Horner & Celine Dion, My Heart Will Go On: link

                Traveling

These songs contain a lot of motion and a steady rhythm that goes well with writing travel scenes. I threw in a couple with more exotic sounds as well.

·         Rusted Root, Send Me On My Way: link

·         The Proclaimers, I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles): link

·         Secret of Kells, Epicy: link

·         Two Mules For Sister Sara: link

·         Loreena Mckennitt, Marco Polo: link

·         Lebo M, I Want to See the Moon: link

·         Sanctuary Soundtrack: link

                Peaceful

For those moments when your character isn’t jumping off the roof of a building.

·         Milagres, Glowing Mouth: link

·         The Village, Race to Resting Rock: link

·         Concerning Hobbits: link

·         Enya, One by One: link

·         Horse Feathers, Thistled Spring: link

·         How to Train Your Dragon, Romantic Flight: link

·         Jesca Hoop, Enemy: link

               Poignant

Slower, quieter songs. Good for scenes of death, loss, or goodbyes.

·         Black Beauty Theme: link

·         The Chronicles of Narnia, Evacuating London: link

·         Dido & A.R. Rahman, If I Rise: link

·         Gary Jules, Mad World: link

·         Pan’s Labyrinth Lullaby (instrumental): link

·         Annie Lennox, Into the West: link

·         Loreena Mckennitt, Full Circle: link

·         Dido, The Day Before the Day: link

·         The Mighty Rio Grande, This Will Destroy You: link

·         Fullmetal Alchemist OST, Bratja: link

Holy shit, that got a lot longer than expected. This is why I shouldn’t be allowed to start listing things. 

Author Unknown

CE Jenkins

          Sometimes on my travels through the internet I come across something seemingly innocent that, through a sort of Ruub-Goldberg thought process of one idea pinwheeling into another, makes me pace back and forth and rant at my teddy bears for an hour and a half. But after a cooldown period of silent fuming and flash games, I think I’ve gotten to the point where I can coherently express my ideas. No promises though.

          Essentially what the offending comment implied was that artists who self promote are shallow and only in it for the attention. The issue I take with this is that it implies that if you want to be recognized for your work, you are selfish and not a real artist. So I guess all those authors and filmmakers who take credit for their pieces and make a living off of it are a bunch of dirty sellouts.

          This kind of mentality seems to run in the same vein as saying that heroes can’t take credit for their good deeds; that the satisfaction of doing something has to be enough. Anyone who stands up and sticks their name to the deed suddenly isn’t a REAL hero, just some schmuck who wants the attention. Society has this obsession with the brave knight who saves the day and then rides off into the sunset without asking for a reward. In the creative field we have a name for that kind of person: broke and undiscovered. Yes, it is wonderful to want to write or draw or cinematograph (wow, that’s actually a word) because you love doing it. That doesn’t mean it’s a sin to want people to know what you've accomplished when you're done.

          These days especially, it’s harder than ever to get exposure for your work; in the age of information, we’re so bogged down in tweets and funny cat photos to pay attention to every piece of art that flits across the screen. If artists don’t make an effort to promote themselves and make connections, it’s entirely possible that no one will ever get to see their work. While the joy of creation is great in itself, there’s nothing wrong with wanting and enjoying recognition for what you’ve done. It’s not egotistical to want other people to experience what you’ve shed blood, sweat and tears bringing into the world; otherwise what’s the point in putting it out there at all?

          I know that some people do write for themselves, and that’s perfectly fine too. Everyone has their own separate reason for doing art; but whatever an artist’s motivations may be, they don’t make the end result any less valid or beautiful. So I say, go ahead. Shout your name and novel from the highest rooftop. Title-drop in conversations. Rent a t-shirt cannon and stake out a high-traffic area. Whatever you do, do it  shamelessly. 

Gerd Pride

        CE Jenkins

           I love being a nerd. It’s great. Normally whenever someone gets so obsessed with something that they don a weird costume and camp out on a sidewalk for 48 hours the next logical step is a restraining order; but flash your nerd ID badge, and behavior that some would consider psychopathic becomes merely creepy. It’s like belonging to a cult, in a way; you wear costumes, speak in tongues, and convene regularly for sacred meetings at the local GameStop. And sometimes it’s all I want in the world to just get the nerdiest t-shirt I can find and plaster that logo across my chest. But thanks to the help of numerous t-shirt websites, that simple goal is a lot harder than it sounds.

          It seems like a lot of retailers are unaware of the existence of female fans. Nerdiness has always been characterized as a guy thing—I say nerd, and you probably think of a spindly dude with centimeter-thick glasses and a pocket protector. People refer generically to “fanboys”, assuming that the ladies are too busy making sandwiches to be interested in pop culture. But lately that stereotype has gotten more and more outdated, as women have taken their place alongside their male comrades in headshotting all the pathetic n00bs and storming all the conventions. Unfortunately, the media and its outlets have done little to realize this new world.

          For one, it is nearly impossible to get good merch (specifically t-shirts, because most everything else is gender-neutral). I am a chick and have the body to prove it. I don’t want to have to get by with throwing a small guy’s-cut shirt in the wash 5 times so it doesn’t look like I’m wearing a sack. Beyond that, getting nerdy girls clothing is a pain in the ass for a bunch of other reasons:

1.      Expense. For plenty of online retailers such as J!NX and ThinkGeek (both of which I love in spite of this), a woman’s shirt costs around 2-3 dollars more than a guy’s, and uses less fabric. That might not seem like a lot, but think of it this way: with the money you’d save on 3 t-shirts, you could go down to Wal-Mart and buy an Iron Man DvD.

2.      Material. The stuff they make some women’s t-shirts out of is so flimsy. Maybe they think it will stretch over our boobs better, as opposed to not ripping in half when you pull it off the hanger.

3.      Availability. I went to Adventure Island one time, and they had like 3 different comic book shops in their Marvel area. It was totally awesome, except for the fact that the only women’s t-shirts they carried all said something to the effect of “I only date superheros” or “my boyfriend has iron abs, literally!” I might find that sort of thing vapid and mildly sexist, but that’s just an opinion and I have no problem with people who do wear those shirts. I do have a problem with the manufacturers who think that the only kind of t-shirts female nerds want to wear are ones that lock them into the role of a girly sex object. Some of us actually want to wear Cap’s insignia emblazoned on our chest without the subtext implication that we’ll be banging him later on.

          The bias goes beyond the apparel section. Walk into any comic book store and flip through the covers; I’ll bet that one thing you won’t be wanting for is a plethora of unnaturally large breasts. Sometimes it seems like the majority of women in comic books have a rack comparable to if Christina Hendrix’s boobs had twins fathered by a watermelon. And on top of that they dress these characters up in skimpy outfits that are very rarely practical for punching a bad guy’s face in. Take Wonder Woman's costume, for example. I highly doubt that a nip slip is something you want to worry about while trying not to be incinerated by a death ray. Not to mention all those spinebreaking poses to show tits and ass at the same time. Seriously artists, I know proper anatomy is for losers and all but our bodies don’t actually bend that way. The problem isn't that comic book women tend to have large breasts and skimpy clothing, because there's nothing inherently sexist about that; it's that they're being exploited for their sexuality, treated merely as eye candy for an audience with a serious sweet-tooth. 

          The issues are more than just skin deep; whether it’s because many comic book authors are dudes with no clue how to write a woman, or because they think their readers have no interest in such things, strong female personalities are in short supply. Granted, there are some good ones as well: Kitty Pryde, Wonder Woman, and Barbara Gordon to name a few. But for every good female character there are a plethora of poorly written, underdeveloped, overly-sexualized ones to boot. There’s also the “women in refrigerators” conundrum, which describes the way many female characters are often ruthlessly punished or treated as plot devices to spur their manly men to action.

          One root of this problem is that the comic book industries keep assuming that their audience is composed entirely of straight dudes. There is some truth to that, of course; many women-centric comics don’t sell as well as their male-centric counterparts, and the fanbase has been an unequivocal sausagefest in the past. What I don’t understand is how alienating 50% of the population with over-sexualized and internally flawed characters is a good marketing strategy. Many women can be and already are interested in comics, and the industry could make a buttload of money off of them if they would only make more of an effort to be less gender-biased.

          Funny how whining about finding the right t-shirt size can lead to a feminist critique of the comic book industry. 

Editor's Disease

CE Jenkins

            George Lucas recently unleashed the Phantom Menace in theatres once again, this time in 3D comparable to the way the film reached off the screen and wrung your brain out the first time it came out. I can only assume this is part of a ploy to either shamelessly make money or—no, actually, that’s pretty much the only reason.

           But honestly, I just pick on the Star Wars prequels because it’s fun and easy. I like them just fine myself, although I won’t debate the fact that the originals are better.  What really interested me about the re-release was the interview with Lucas that appeared shortly before Phantom was shuffled back onto the big screen, in which the director answered to many of the complaints fans have raised about the changes he made to the original trilogy in previous years. Living proof that editing is to art forms as cocaine is to Charlie Sheen, to me Lucas’s changes are less about terrible decisions and more about how hard it is to put down the red pen when it’s been surgically grafted into your hand.

           Most artists I know are perfectionists; they live in conditions ranging between squalor and crazy-cat-hoarder, yet heaven forbid a single period goes out of place. And don’t get me wrong, I’m totally an advocate of spending Saturday nights debating the use of two nearly indistinguishable adjectives. You really should think your own work is perfect before you get it published or file it away or burn it cathartically or do whatever it is people do when they finish something. However, as wonderful as you might think the final product is at first, it’s a statistical guarantee that at least one other person is going to think it’s a pile of maggoty bat-droppings. And as soon as they start pointing out all the things they think is wrong with it, the illusion is shattered and your inner editor starts flexing the carpal tunnel out of her fingers.

           Another tough thing about any creative pursuit is that not only will some other people not like your work, but eventually you might not either. You’re always learning new and better ways of doing things that make plenty of your previous achievements look like crap; the ability to look back on your earlier work and cringe in emotional agony is the mark of a great artist, or at the very least an artist who is good enough to know when they’re bad. And of course it’s torture to look at something you’ve created and see everything that’s wrong with it, knowing that if you were given just a little time and some shitty CGI you could finally live up to your new standards of perfection.

           Going back and revising something in a story that everyone is already familiar with is about as annoying as that person telling a joke who keeps backtracking to say that “no wait, the duck was actually orange! And from Sweden! Or was it Switzerland? And now that I think about it, the duck was actually blue!” Once a story’s been told, that’s it. You can put it in different bindings or convert it to Blu-ray, but you can’t add bonus chapters and poorly rendered lasers that clearly wouldn’t have missed at point blank range, come on George you can do better than that.

          This post might be a bit more accurate if I started writing it mostly in the first person; at this very moment I’m working on a short story that I slapped down on my desk and declared complete three months and fourteen pages ago. But there comes a point where you have to stop and accept that your work isn’t going to get any better by adding a three-chapter prequel and changing the font to wingdings. Once the story has gotten to a certain point, any future changes you make will only end up distorting it.

           It’s an unfortunate truth that no matter what you do, eventually you will hate it. And then you will love it again. And then you will try to destroy every copy of it that ever existed. The point is that it’s finished, set in stone, and all you can do about it is either try to live with it or change your name and move to Greenland. Otherwise you end up slapping eye-assaulting CGI over your original scenes and rearranging the order of an already beloved bar-scene shootout. Figuratively speaking.

Film Adaptations and the Dangers Therein

CE Jenkins

Remember that time that the movie of your favorite book/sequel to your favorite movie came out? How you followed its development with excitement over the months before it hit the theatres? How you went into the film in a haze of blind faith and enthusiasm, and left the theatre with the feeling that all the good had been leached from the world and the urge to join some kind of nihilistic cult? Because I remember. Oh yes. I remember.  

Keanu 30 minutes after seeing the latest Shrek installment. Seriously guys, just let it die. Or kill it with a shovel. Either works.

Now, I’m not saying that movie adaptations are always destined to fail; some of my favorite movies are based on an original work, such as LOTR. What I am saying is that when Hollywood cooks up the movie version of a book you enjoyed, the stakes couldn’t possibly be higher for your movie-going experience. Few things hurt more than being shut in a room and forced to watch your favorite franchise defiled on a forty-foot screen for an hour and a half. Need I bring the painful memories of The Last Airbender and Eragon to mind?

I thought my heart had healed. But no, the sight of this movie poster still makes me want to gouge my eyeballs out with a plastic spoon.

But the crushing betrayal of certain failures hasn’t been enough to deter most of us from resignedly shelling out every time they club a concept over the head and drag it onto the silver screen. Somehow that tiny sliver of a chance that they might not completely butcher it is enough to make us go pay ten bucks to confirm that they did. Alright, maybe I’m being a little gloom and doom here. Like I said, good movie adaptations/sequels exist; the key is surviving all the other stuff. And even a good adaptation can be easily ruined by a slew of factors unique to films based on other work. So here are a few tips and thoughts on my process for getting the most out of your movie-adaptation experience.

·         Think of the movie and its source material as two separate entities; ideally, the filmmakers should have done so as well. Movies and books are worlds apart from each other, and the source material often requires a whole lot of translation before they’re suited for the big screen. Sometimes a scene that works great on paper just doesn’t have the same ring to it aloud; other scenes have to be modified or cut out entirely to fit the 2-hour screen life. But if you can try your best not to spend the whole time comparing the film to the original, it will make it a whole lot easier.

·         Don’t read the book/comic/whatever right before you see the movie. Preferably, you won’t have referenced the source for quite a while when the movie comes out. That way you go into the movie with a clean slate, or at least a slate that’s been smudged around a bit. Reference the source right before, and you’ll spend the whole movie thinking about how they left X out, or how they totally didn’t get what the author was going for in Y. Instead, go back to the original a bit after you’ve seen the movie and re-read it then. You’ll still pick up the parts the movie may have goofed, but it won’t be as obnoxious as having to watch them play out on the screen as you writhe in anguish in your seat.

·         Watch the previews. If it looks iffy in its two-minute incarnation, prepare yourself for more of the same when you see the movie for real. Of course, there will always be good movies with poor previews and awesome previews advertising comparatively bad movies, but they’re often a decent indication of what to expect.

·         Lower your expectations. This one is rather obvious. If you go in expecting Lord of the Rings you’re going to spend the whole movie noting every time it falls flat. If if you go in accepting the fact that the movie might not be amazing, the bad parts will be taken for granted and the good parts will redeem it. If you go in expecting The Room, then you may want to reevaluate why you’re seeing this movie in theatres.

Oh yes. That’s why.

·         Buy popcorn. Or candy. Or one of those dubious “blue-flavored” icee drinks that inevitably spill in your lap or make you need to pee really badly. The delicious(?) food will help keep you in a forgiving mood, and when you’re imagining crushing the director’s bones between your molars the crunchy popcorn helps make it more vivid.

Stop trying to convince me that blue is a legitimate flavor. I’ll still drink it anyways.

                Of course, there will always be some franchises that you’re so emotionally invested in that the most you can do is bring some ice chips to masticate and try not to rip the stuffing out of your seat every time they misquote a line. For example, if Avengers is anything less than orgasmic I will write a strongly-worded letter to Joss Whedon then wrap it around a brick and throw it through his front window. And if the Hobbit fails to make me cry my frontal lobe into a napkin at least three times, I will fly all the way to New Zealand to tipi Peter Jackson’s house. And then I will set the toilet paper on fire.

I know, I have too many movie-related-feels this year. I can’t possibly be expected to hold them all in one non-psychotic vessel.

Photo References: 

Keanu https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZtvMYJG0BW1LymRpnGBc_wgYHIDH1mGZg03qjc0bAAQRSk5eXbpUprYydiZHXFka5P8iTADv5cr3BZBeaXiIrhrLUIT8Mr7jKXLCyoBJecAFxh_L-L5BzEebU-Qs0QAA1jofcOfpzylPd/s1600/Sad-Keanu.jpg

Avatar: http://www.shockya.com/news/wp-content/uploads/lastairbenderposter4.jpg

Blue Raspberry: http://rookery1.viary.com/storagev12/557000/557031_d216_625x625.jpg