Speech is what happens when two people get together and eventually
feel too uncomfortable to stand around in silence. More romantically, it’s a
way for people to connect and understand each other. But I’m not here to talk
about conversations with real human beings; I’m here to teach you how to write
fake ones. I can hardly make it through a real discussion without jumping out
the window or swallowing my own tongue. I’m the kind of person who says “Good
morning” at 6pm, and who makes loud, painfully unfunny jokes before laughing
manically and diving into the nearest book. In general, I consider getting
through any social interaction without physical harm or psychological trauma to
be a raging success. I would literally chop off my own hand to provide a
conversation topic if the silence goes on for too long.
Even a computer program
questions my social skills.
We’ll start by tackling the snarly conundrum that is human
speech by breaking it down into nice, organized, easy-to-understand categories.
Haha, just kidding. We’re going to roll around in the scrambled word-discharge
from my brain and hope that something sticks. Now roll, damnit! Roll!
Dialogue must serve a
purpose. Most (if not all) of the dialogue you write should serve one of
the following purposes: exposition, character development, advancing the plot,
or entertainment. Think about the purpose behind everything your characters say.
Are they just talking for the sake of talking? Are they just talking because
you don’t know what to write next? If they aren’t saying anything interesting,
funny, or useful, consider omitting it. In the case of exposition, make sure to
only reveal as much information as makes sense in context; otherwise it will
come off as infodumping.
Make it flow. The
trick about writing good dialogue is to capture the rhythm and flow of an actual
conversation. It’s more than just colloquialisms; you also need to make sure
that it sounds like something someone would actually say. For example:
“I told Susie I knew she had eaten
all the soap in my bathroom. She got really embarrassed but refused to admit
that she had done it.”
Vs
“So then she was like, why would I
even do that? And her face was so red, seriously, you should have been there.”
The difference is that one of them is stating while the
other is saying. The second has a voice, while the other sounds like a sentence
from a middle-school grammar textbook. There isn’t a surefire way to get it
right; your best option is to listen to how real speech flows, get its patterns
and currents down, and then do your best at transcribing it into writing.
Filter out the boring
stuff that people don’t need to hear. You don’t want to write dialogue
that’s too realistic, because a
significant percentage of what we say is boring, inarticulate, or filler. Readers
shouldn’t have to wade through page after page of pointless, realistic small
talk before they get to the good stuff. For example, I wouldn’t recommend using
words like “uh” or “um” except when you’re specifically drawing attention to
the character’s verbal stumbling. Using too many verbal tics in your dialogue
can come off as a gimmicky attempt to sound natural. Although they can help
when used sparingly, it’s more important to make your characters’ speech sound real without it actually being
real. Delicate balancing act, you say? Well, that’s writing’s a bitch.
Different people talk
in different ways. Some are articulate and cultured. Most repeat
themselves, use slang, stutter, and occasionally spout curse words like a
seafaring Bob Saget. Figure out your characters’ speech patterns so you can
write them with the correct level of formality. It can help to know their
backgrounds: Are they educated? Do they value the beauty of language, or like
me do they merely open a stream-of-consciousness floodgate which vomits out
literally everything on their mind? And why are toes so weird? I need to buy
groceries.
Be sure that your
colloquialisms make sense in the world you place them in. If your story
takes place in a different world or universe with scant similarities to our
own, it doesn’t make sense for your characters to go around saying things like
“Christ”. That said, be wary of creating your own curse words. They almost
always sound corny, or at the very least distracting. And while that can be
useful for comedic effect, if your character is cursing their hated enemy for
murdering the love of their life they might need a word with a little more pizzazz
than “Barnap”.
Hahaha, is drama
happening somewhere?
Read it aloud.
This is a crucial exercise for any part of your writing, but dialogue
especially. Pay attention to the pauses and emphasis you put on words as you
read, and make sure that the writing itself reflects that speech pattern. Then,
give it to someone else who hasn’t read it before and listen to them read it.
They won’t know how it’s supposed to sound, so they’ll just read it the way
you’ve written it. Listen for parts where it sounds awkward, or to see if that
sentence that you thought flowed perfectly is actually a minefield of commas.
Break it up with
action. Too much uninterrupted dialog can start to feel like it’s happening
in a vacuum. By describing your characters scratching their stubble or cracking
a smile, you can ground the conversation in the world and remind the reader of
their surroundings.
Choose your tags
carefully. A lot of writers use overly elaborate dialogue tags, aka the
variations of “she said” that come after the quote marks. You don’t need to
close off someone saying “You’re the reason they’re dead!” with ‘she violently
roared with the force of a thousand hurricanes”. It distracts from the dialogue
itself, and just sounds ridiculous. Some people avoid the use of any tag other
than “said” like they’re the written deployment codes for a nuclear missile;
while it’s a safer bet to stick with short and simple dialogue tags, there are
times when “said” just doesn’t do it. There are so many excellent words in the
English vocabulary; why periodically ban yourself from using them? In the end,
use your best judgment. If it’s distracting from the dialogue itself, simplify
it. If your character is about to cut a bitch, break out the harsher language.
I wouldn’t recommend using a lot of flashy tags all in a row. A good rule is to
keep the tags short and simple when you’re not using “said”, but in the end
it’s up to you.
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